One Old Sage

Thoughts, Stories, and Bits of Wisdom

In the Words of the Great Bill Cosby…

The great Bill Cosby did a skit in the 1970’s called “Do not touch certain parts of your body!” This was an admonishment given before a foot ball game. In case you get hit in the groin, remember those words. It could be embarrassing.

061003-N-0000K-001 Dr. William H.

Dr. William H. “Bill” Cosby speaks at Frederick Douglass High School during his visit to the school. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Trust me! Embarrassment is the farthest thing from your mind at that moment.

I was over visiting the wonderful writers at ScaryMommy.com and came across this post – “MY HUSBAND HAD A VASECTOMY AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY TEE SHIRT” written by Corbyn Hanson Hightower http://ow.ly/hnrEv.

As she is describing the state her hubby was in following his trip to the vet doctor including the use of frozen peas to reduce swelling and lower the pain, Bill’s skit came to mind.

Let’s understand something before I go on too much further. First, it’s in every guy’s DNA to reach for his crotch when he either senses a threat to this most sensitive of areas or actually gets hit. Second, grabbing one’s crotch is the only way to protect it from further injury, chances are by this time you are lying in a fetal position on the ground trying to catch your breath and not throw up.

Much can be said about the aftermath post surgery short-term recovery. I know of guys who’ve had a vasectomy, put on their clothes, and either went back to work or out drinking. Believe me, once the anaesthetic wore off there would be a great need for alcohol to dull the pain and the guy who went to work may have been asked by more than one person why he was walking funny.

“Haemorrhoids Ray? Been there. Not comfortable at all. Say, how big were yours?” By now Ray knows he should have fessed up that he had the little suckers nipped because he loved his wife and they decided not to have any/anymore children.

Please notice the word “they” in the previous paragraph. In my view this has to be a joint decision and not one taken through coercion: “If you ever want to have sex again, go get fixed!” or uncertainty: “I/You can always get it reversed.” Besides, if you thought getting it done was painful, wait for the undoing. I can give you some names to verify this statement.

Or “Honey, for our anniversary I got you a vasectomy!” Considering this was the day your wife was about to tell you that she wanted to have more children, the timing may not be stellar.

Ladies, we know the pain you go through during childbirth cannot be compared to a vasectomy because childbirth is so much worse. But for heaven’s sake! We’re talking about our vitals here! Big Jim and the Twins, Mr. Johnson, Our Junk, or whatever the hell else it gets called.

OK I confess we’re all babies. Now that I have that out-of-the-way, here are some hints for both men and women.

  1. When the doctor has you on the table, is about to inject the local anesthetic and says, “You’ll feel a small pinch” you need to realize this is the biggest load of bull crap you’re going to hear for sometime. Locals hurt like hell. Once it starts and you’re holding the side of the table like it’s the last lifeboat on the Titanic, resist the urge to say, “You lying (fill in the noun) let me give you one and see if it’s just a pinch!”
  2. Guys, this is the perfect time to get a few days rest and relaxation. By that I don’t mean going golfing with the guys. Lie on the couch , relax, put on a painful expression and quietly ask for a fresh cup of coffee, turn on some music, read a book and be sure to cover your crotch with a mountain of pillows. It doesn’t matter how many times Mommy says, “You need to be careful around Daddy he had some surgery” someone is going to forget and land right where it hurts.

    English Setter, Dogs Show Racibórz

    English Setter, Dogs Show Racibórz (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

  3. Lock away all large animals. I speak from experience on this one. A large English Setter bounding down the hallway to greet you after you come home from the hospital and then butting you right in the crotch is not a pleasant experience. It’s a tear inducing, crotch grabbing, breath-taking, and fetal position assuming moment.

So there you go. As much as I would like to listen to Bill Cosby, it isn’t going to happen!

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Copyright Old Sage Publishing Co. 2013

6 comments on “In the Words of the Great Bill Cosby…

  1. Diane Henders
    February 4, 2013

    Lacking the equipment to truly understand, I can only sympathize. (But I’m still laughing – well written!) :-)

    • One Old Sage
      February 4, 2013

      I’m glad you enjoyed it. Interesting that I’ve had more views of this post than any other. Keep on laughing. :)

  2. Kelly
    February 3, 2013

    so funny so true ,,thanks for the memories,,,I think..

  3. Lynette d'Arty-Cross
    February 3, 2013

    What a great post – I laughed out loud! :)

    • One Old Sage
      February 4, 2013

      I was hoping that people would find it humourous.

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